1st Wednesday in March

Hello dear blog. It's been awhile. There's been healing going on. There's strength happening. I want to archive the words I heard yesterday from Roger Ebert. This is a man that is a hero. His strength is something of which I'm not sure I'm familiar. He was struck with thyroid cancer and it spread to his lymph nodes and jaw. He is now unable to speak or eat. He never eats. He can however speak through his computer with an amazing technological miracle. He types in his words and it is generated through speakers to sound like his voice. Using a word that is overused, I must admit it was amazing. Here's a man that is disfigured. He's lost the pleasures of life. However he remains joyful and productive.

Here is a quotation from his journal. It was read by his wife, Chaz (another triumphant woman).

"I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and I am happy that I lived long enough to find it out."

Me? I am happy that I heard this. I am happy that I understand it. I am happy that each day I can give it a whirl. "To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts." Joy. Joy. Joy. It is what Charles Dickens wrote of, now isn't it? Honor that joy within us and let it shine, not only on others, but on ourselves.

These ARE the times that try men and women's souls

The injustice. The unethical. The lack of compassion. The lack of understanding. The need to only look at appearances. The lack of true thinking. You all will know when I make sure it hits the news somewhere, somehow. Or wait for the book. I promise. I swear. The hideousness of life can be bone crushing. However, we will survive. My daughter will not only survive, but thrive.

Some day soon. Promise

Someday very, very soon there will be some fun posts. Maybe I'll cook and share recipes. Or maybe there will be pictures of me in a theatrical production. OR!!! I look forward to writing and posting pictures of my new home with Steve. In Seattle!!! I know I'll post pictures of my sacred mountain, Mount Rainer. Stay tuned. The black cloud is going to pass. It just has to, doesn't it?

This black to gray time started in December 2000. Ok, I did have a golden summer of sun, fun, great clothing, shoes, and slim, fitness, too! I can do it again. I can, I can. It all had everything to do with the fact that I had some money at that point. Now doesn't that sound just awful....but, really, REAL$Y ...being poor is no fun.

However, I'm also going on the premise that being in a fun, supportive, and loving relationship may be a ton of fun too. HEY!!! Steve shops, cooks, and does my laundry! So who knows just how happy I could be some day...!?! I'm willing to give it a try.

And, one has to know that I want to be NOT so worn out. I'm looking forward to a blog named, "Fun with Debbie". OK, maybe that's not such a good name.

Sunday, A true day of rest

Today started after a very difficult night. Nights are often filled with demons. Lately I sleep with all the lights and TV on. Last night nothing helped. Sometimes, especially at night,the world looks dark, unjust, and unforgiving. The demons took over. The demons try to destroy me by telling me lies. They try to make me believe that I am worth nothing. The demons try to make my mistakes a life sentence.

This morning I decided I could not let the demons destroy me. These demons do not belong to me. These demons are the people that want to hurt me and my children. I will not, I cannot let them win. My humanness and failings do not convict. They are merely opportunities to learn and to fix and not only survive, but thrive.

So this morning, I decided today was only about rest and serenity. And, so far, it's worked. Today, I even felt like dancing and dance, I did. I let the gentleness and the spirit flow within me. It wasn't difficult. It wasn't anything but goodness and love. I read once that the only way to be victorious over evil is to allow it to be absorbed into love.

It's that time, and I'm going to bed. Good night to everyone I love. Sleep well. We will win. Love.

What does one call those people?

Those people. Those people. Those beautiful, wonderful people that show up in one's life to light the way. Those people. You know them. Sometimes we can miss them when we aren't really looking. I have so many in my life. I can see them all now. I can see them on a daily basis. I can see those that are from before, those that were, still are, and stand before me as if in the present and in my future. Once they've brought me light, it never fades. I must confess that sometimes the darkness covers them and they appear to fade. Turns out it is fear that covers them. Just when we need them the most. But sometimes we need to walk that darkness only to find the light more lovely than ever before.

Those people. I love you all. Those people. Sometimes you are in my life forever. Mostly, though, they show up for a day or two or three. Sometimes it is for a few months. Sometimes it's a person who serves you breakfast at a restaurant and remembers you love orange marmalade and brings a jar of orange marmalade to work - just in case you come back for breakfast someday.

I sit on the edge of tears these days. Turns out that's not such a bad place to be. The tiniest of jars, the simplest of places and I was so unabashedly touched. In a world that seemed so harsh, bleak and filled with an unbelievable amount of injustices and yes, evil, there are still very, very small jars of orange marmalade given so sweetly and kindly to a virtual stranger.

I smile. I smile with me heart and my soul. The world deals such nasty blows. And it is those people , those people that keep the light on. I'm home now. I feel safe in my own heart, in my own soul. I'll keep the light on as well. One never knows when one can also be one of those people.

Forgotten? Unknown? Dismissed.

Just received an article about Labor Day. One referred to Labor Day as the Unknown Holiday and the other referred to it as the Forgotten Holiday. Got me thinking...

There are so many things that are forgotten (including Labor Day), but worse, these holidays,along with a vast list of events, values, ideologies, are merely ignored as being insignificant in a world ruled by egoism and narcissism. Regard for the past and those that have gone before, the lessons of history, are (no pun intended) things of the past. Respect is also an historical word. It is gone.

Gone forever? Today my answer is yes. I have hope for tomorrow on that one.......

Specific Request with Random Thoughts

Those of you who know me or at least think you know me, describe a job that would match the Debbie you see.

I'm an trying to stay focused and not rant and agonize over the dismal and pathetic state of this nation. And I am being very pragmatic. I will be moving to Seattle very, very soon. This is not a threat, It is a promise and it is going to happen. Not only do I have the opportunity to have a life with a man who loves and adores me, but there are jobs in Seattle. YES! Real JOBS! And lands alive, I NEED A JOB! The heck with retiring, I'm looking to find another career.

With the way things are going to go in this country, I'm figuring that all I can do is fashion the very best life possible and love my loved ones as much and as best as I possibly can. I will continue to do what it is I can do for my country. I so want to find an profession that will make some sort of difference in people's lives. Something, Something to help fight injustice. So much of it out there. It's not about fair or unfair. It is about the injustices.

Anybody as sad about life right now as I seem to be? And ya know, no matter what amount of cooking, or walking, or singing, or swimming that I do, it's still there. Maybe it's a grieving for an era gone. Senator Ted Kennedy's death affected me a great deal. Now that man had focus, passion, and courage. And did he have the ability to admit is humanness and then keep going every day or what? And did that man know tragedy, despair, and grief?

I'd love to be a Senator like Ted Kennedy, but that isn't going to happen real soon. I'd love to be in a position of power like that. But not happening real soon. So what do I do in my realm, in my reality?

Honest...I'm still hooked on the idea of a donut shop. I'd like to run a place where people gather to talk, relax, and be willing to express themselves in a civil and decent manner. Hmmm? Is that still possible? Ok so civil discourse is probably impossible. I still want my donut shop. I think.

Any input welcomed.